I wasn't practicing my religion in an aware and authentic way. My life and ways were clogged with all kinds of unexamined practices, rituals and ideas that weren't really mine. I was living in a default setting- not really thinking for myself and actively choosing my beliefs and practices.
I only sought the Right Answer, I wasn't quiet and still and honest enough to hear my own authentic answer- to discover what it is that I actually think about something.
In a way, I was like the older daughters of King Lear- not wanting to give the wrong answer, not wanting to appear disloyal, and so gave an answer that didn't make any sense and was also not a True answer, from my True Self.
The youngest daughter, Cordelia, gave a real, honest answer- and she questioned her sisters' integrity- how could they say they loved the King "wholeheartedly" when they were married? Didn't they love their husbands?
Cordelia's answer was grounded in both Love and Common Sense. It wasn't the right answer- or the safest- but it was true. And brave.
I must start taking responsibility for my beliefs- clearing out the unexamined practices and taking a good hard look at them. Then, actively choosing or discarding them.
I would rather have a chosen, wrong belief and act authentically on it, than to have a soul that's stuffed to the rafters with "right" beliefs that I don't really agree with, own, or act on.
I don't want to have any beliefs that I'm ashamed of.
Showing posts with label defining my past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label defining my past. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Christian Morality
-- my reason not to sin was God; because God sees and God doesn't like it, and I want to be pleasing to God
-- maybe this is a good thought to have, but this was really my ONLY thought on my morality
if it's only about God and His Rules, this doesn't teach me to consider the consequences of my actions; God alone is the consequence or reward, and removes my power and agency in my own life to affect the world around me
-- this method doesn't teach us to consider our connections to others and ourselves
-- instead, I want to start weighing my own actions and considering their consequences- to do or not do something because of its benefits or potential to damage
-- this method of morality makes me an active Chooser, it engages my mind and demands that I activate my own will to control my actions
-- this process will push me to know myself and what i want in life and what I value about myself and others
-- out of my fear of God, had a tendency to not even try, to not even consider actions that I felt were wrong- now i give myself permission to work through these considerations- to go through an authentic process of testing, considering, to embrace something or turn away from it of my own free will.
To Actively Choose, rather than just Obey
If i can decide for myself not to do something/to do something based on a connection with my true self, my inner core values, this seems to be far more secure and powerful than adhering to a perceived religious value system- and has huge side benefits: know my self/ my values / my weaknesses much better; take time to consider life, people, human nature, my responsibilities, etc.; restores my agency in my own life
-- maybe this is a good thought to have, but this was really my ONLY thought on my morality
if it's only about God and His Rules, this doesn't teach me to consider the consequences of my actions; God alone is the consequence or reward, and removes my power and agency in my own life to affect the world around me
-- this method doesn't teach us to consider our connections to others and ourselves
-- instead, I want to start weighing my own actions and considering their consequences- to do or not do something because of its benefits or potential to damage
-- this method of morality makes me an active Chooser, it engages my mind and demands that I activate my own will to control my actions
-- this process will push me to know myself and what i want in life and what I value about myself and others
-- out of my fear of God, had a tendency to not even try, to not even consider actions that I felt were wrong- now i give myself permission to work through these considerations- to go through an authentic process of testing, considering, to embrace something or turn away from it of my own free will.
To Actively Choose, rather than just Obey
If i can decide for myself not to do something/to do something based on a connection with my true self, my inner core values, this seems to be far more secure and powerful than adhering to a perceived religious value system- and has huge side benefits: know my self/ my values / my weaknesses much better; take time to consider life, people, human nature, my responsibilities, etc.; restores my agency in my own life
Spiritual Avatars
Over-involvement in the Church World can disconnect people from their real lives. They can be successful "spiritual" people, but losers in their real life.
Can sing the songs passionately, attend all the meetings, speak and teach from the Bible, become a respected member of this spiritual community, achieve things there, grow, progress- but in their real life, could be at a stand still. Achieving nothing, in a total rut, having no control over the events in their life, and making no progress in obvious problems.
But their spiritual religion enables them to find satisfaction, when they should be facing up to their real responsibilities and challenges in their life.
So many Christians are unhealthy, unhappy, unproductive, stuck in a rut, their children have huge problems, they have huge problems (ex. in finances, or relationships, or self esteem), but these people are even leaders in the church. We're supposed to view them as spiritual teachers??
This is Dishonest.
Can sing the songs passionately, attend all the meetings, speak and teach from the Bible, become a respected member of this spiritual community, achieve things there, grow, progress- but in their real life, could be at a stand still. Achieving nothing, in a total rut, having no control over the events in their life, and making no progress in obvious problems.
But their spiritual religion enables them to find satisfaction, when they should be facing up to their real responsibilities and challenges in their life.
So many Christians are unhealthy, unhappy, unproductive, stuck in a rut, their children have huge problems, they have huge problems (ex. in finances, or relationships, or self esteem), but these people are even leaders in the church. We're supposed to view them as spiritual teachers??
This is Dishonest.
Evangelism
"Evangelism": the deeply ingrained mantra that in all of my conversations/interactions/relationships with others, I had to have this ulterior motive: bringing them to Christ.
It crippled my ability to connect with other human beings, to just honestly connect.
It crippled my ability to connect with other human beings, to just honestly connect.
New Thoughts
Have lived my whole life as a Christian Being- in this other world, seeing myself as different from others.
I just want to be a human being. same as the next person, no different, nothing more, equal. Living life along with everyone else here in the world, alive at this moment. Connected. No distance between us, no gaps, walls, boundaries, hierarchies.
I just want to be a human being. same as the next person, no different, nothing more, equal. Living life along with everyone else here in the world, alive at this moment. Connected. No distance between us, no gaps, walls, boundaries, hierarchies.
A Different Kind of Relationship
was usually given goals in church that were very cerebral, intangible and unmeasurable ie "know God" or "be totally devoted to God" -- so I would pursue these goals through study and prayer, but there were no real markers to chart my progress in "achieving" these goals
all of this went on in the pursuit or working out of a "relationship" with God; pursuing intangible, unmeasurable goals through given, invented church activities that had nothing to do with my real life/responsibilities/obligations/opportunities)
Instead, how about devoted to God = be an excellent mother, because that's what's happening in your real life
my faith/passion was directed into a quasi-world of given church activities (evangelize, read Bible everyday, prophesy, study, take notes, grasp new "important" spiritual concepts, prayer/pursuing God, hearing from God)
instead, my faith could be directed into living my real life wellInstead of a "Relationship With God" meaning all of these personal exchanges with God (personal growth in understanding God, hearing from God, talking to God, having emotional, sensational experiences of God, wanting to "know" God more, becoming more passionate/committed to God, etc. - see previous post)
--- instead of a Relationship With God meaning all these intangible, unmeasurable "exchanges" with God, this inner conversation
---what if a Relationship With God just meant: Doing The Right Thing In Your Real Life
I like that idea. So the "stuff" of that relationship is not "spiritual" and in my head, it is concrete actions, carried out in the real world
Like volunteering in my community. Treating my husband well, even when I've had a bad day. Bending my focus, creativity and talents towards being a superb mother to my children. Having my lonely neighbor over for a cup of tea. Sewing up some cloth diapers and sending them to that orphanage in Haiti.
This could be the substance of my Relationship With God: real actions, carried out in the real world. This could be my spiritual act of worship, not all the inner dialogues, spiritual "goals" and feelings of commitment, not emotional singing of songs, or vigorous note taking of preacher's sermons.
Then, there would be real events when I want to tell the story of my faith.
Then, my faith would have some currency in the real world.
all of this went on in the pursuit or working out of a "relationship" with God; pursuing intangible, unmeasurable goals through given, invented church activities that had nothing to do with my real life/responsibilities/obligations/opportunities)
Instead, how about devoted to God = be an excellent mother, because that's what's happening in your real life
my faith/passion was directed into a quasi-world of given church activities (evangelize, read Bible everyday, prophesy, study, take notes, grasp new "important" spiritual concepts, prayer/pursuing God, hearing from God)
instead, my faith could be directed into living my real life wellInstead of a "Relationship With God" meaning all of these personal exchanges with God (personal growth in understanding God, hearing from God, talking to God, having emotional, sensational experiences of God, wanting to "know" God more, becoming more passionate/committed to God, etc. - see previous post)
--- instead of a Relationship With God meaning all these intangible, unmeasurable "exchanges" with God, this inner conversation
---what if a Relationship With God just meant: Doing The Right Thing In Your Real Life
I like that idea. So the "stuff" of that relationship is not "spiritual" and in my head, it is concrete actions, carried out in the real world
Like volunteering in my community. Treating my husband well, even when I've had a bad day. Bending my focus, creativity and talents towards being a superb mother to my children. Having my lonely neighbor over for a cup of tea. Sewing up some cloth diapers and sending them to that orphanage in Haiti.
This could be the substance of my Relationship With God: real actions, carried out in the real world. This could be my spiritual act of worship, not all the inner dialogues, spiritual "goals" and feelings of commitment, not emotional singing of songs, or vigorous note taking of preacher's sermons.
Then, there would be real events when I want to tell the story of my faith.
Then, my faith would have some currency in the real world.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Flakiness of my Christianity
My personal "walk" with God was filled with a lot of thinking, dreaming, studying, and "experiences" in worship, but not much else.
Would have daily (or not so daily) "quiet times" in the morning; read Bible/devotional, pray, try to set myself up for a good, "godly" day
Was exhorted by church towards all kinds of "spiritual" goals (ie to "grow in God" or to become more "at home in His Presence" or to become more "prophetic")
Took these goals seriously; tried to work towards them, but all of this "progress" was in the intangible realm, unmeasurable, and unrecognizable in the real world
All of it was, essentially, in my head
Was highly dependent on having "emotional" experiences/exchanges with God, as a litmus for my overall spiritual well being
Always felt that my Relationship With God was paramount; always working on it, always feeling like it needed to progress with more passion, devotion, commitment, etc.
But what exactly was my Relationship With God? What was the "stuff" of my relationship? It was all these "spiritual" intangibles, exchanges between God and I, unmeasurable, vague spiritual goals, "hearing" from God, talking to Him, "growing" in God
Didn't realize this until a couple months ago when I tried to write my "testimony" and realized there were almost no "real" events in my whole life's "faith story-" just a lot of "pursuing God" in my own little world inside my head- "discovering" things about God/growing in God/coming to know Him better- but only 2 or 3 real events. in my whole life.
I was living a Second Life- in this invented spiritual realm- with invented, imagined goals/challenges/growth, a life story that didn't really exist in the real world- like I had a spiritual avatar or something... "Jane the Christian" with her own story arc of goals, growth, challenges, roles, callings, ministry
Would have daily (or not so daily) "quiet times" in the morning; read Bible/devotional, pray, try to set myself up for a good, "godly" day
Was exhorted by church towards all kinds of "spiritual" goals (ie to "grow in God" or to become more "at home in His Presence" or to become more "prophetic")
Took these goals seriously; tried to work towards them, but all of this "progress" was in the intangible realm, unmeasurable, and unrecognizable in the real world
All of it was, essentially, in my head
Was highly dependent on having "emotional" experiences/exchanges with God, as a litmus for my overall spiritual well being
Always felt that my Relationship With God was paramount; always working on it, always feeling like it needed to progress with more passion, devotion, commitment, etc.
But what exactly was my Relationship With God? What was the "stuff" of my relationship? It was all these "spiritual" intangibles, exchanges between God and I, unmeasurable, vague spiritual goals, "hearing" from God, talking to Him, "growing" in God
Didn't realize this until a couple months ago when I tried to write my "testimony" and realized there were almost no "real" events in my whole life's "faith story-" just a lot of "pursuing God" in my own little world inside my head- "discovering" things about God/growing in God/coming to know Him better- but only 2 or 3 real events. in my whole life.
I was living a Second Life- in this invented spiritual realm- with invented, imagined goals/challenges/growth, a life story that didn't really exist in the real world- like I had a spiritual avatar or something... "Jane the Christian" with her own story arc of goals, growth, challenges, roles, callings, ministry
My Church History
I was raised in a "non-denominational" church; a broad label, but I will try to describe a few of the hallmark characteristics of my particular stream of Christianity:
1. Charismatic worship: we sang mostly contemporary worship songs, with a "modern" band, could take up to 45min. The worship time was mostly unstructured, allowing for "spontaneous" moving in the Holy Spirit (ie. anyone from the congregation could pray out, or read a scripture, or bring a "word" from God). Lots of clapping, hands raised, exclamations, emotional silences, etc.
2. Strong focus on "Gifts of the Holy Spirit": a very strong emphasis on speaking in tongues, prophecy, words of knowledge, healing. They would teach on it, practice it, encourage everyone to do this more. This was emphasized much more than a lot of the more concrete, traditional acts of the church, such as helping the poor.
3. Strong focus on teaching/doctrine: lots of teaching, retreats, seminars, etc. where we would be taught a great amount on the particular doctrinal points of this stream of churches. Lots of note taking. Lots of new concepts always to be learning and trying to apply. Kingdom of God, victorious living, the Holy Spirit: these were favorite topics.
4. Overall emphasis on "passion" for God: meetings were loud and passionate, teaching was loud and passionate, congregation expected to be loud and passionate... visitors were often uncomfortable/overwhelmed with the level of emotion, volume and intensity in the room. We were always being pushed towards being really exceptional for God; top-tier, sold-out Christians.
5. Evangelism: We didn't actually do much organized evangelism, but "the lost" seemed to still somehow be almost the entire focus of our lives (after God, of course... ha ha). We saw ourselves as ambassadors for God, bringers of light and truth into our city, our school, our world.
There's more, but that gives a bit of a picture, anyway.
1. Charismatic worship: we sang mostly contemporary worship songs, with a "modern" band, could take up to 45min. The worship time was mostly unstructured, allowing for "spontaneous" moving in the Holy Spirit (ie. anyone from the congregation could pray out, or read a scripture, or bring a "word" from God). Lots of clapping, hands raised, exclamations, emotional silences, etc.
2. Strong focus on "Gifts of the Holy Spirit": a very strong emphasis on speaking in tongues, prophecy, words of knowledge, healing. They would teach on it, practice it, encourage everyone to do this more. This was emphasized much more than a lot of the more concrete, traditional acts of the church, such as helping the poor.
3. Strong focus on teaching/doctrine: lots of teaching, retreats, seminars, etc. where we would be taught a great amount on the particular doctrinal points of this stream of churches. Lots of note taking. Lots of new concepts always to be learning and trying to apply. Kingdom of God, victorious living, the Holy Spirit: these were favorite topics.
4. Overall emphasis on "passion" for God: meetings were loud and passionate, teaching was loud and passionate, congregation expected to be loud and passionate... visitors were often uncomfortable/overwhelmed with the level of emotion, volume and intensity in the room. We were always being pushed towards being really exceptional for God; top-tier, sold-out Christians.
5. Evangelism: We didn't actually do much organized evangelism, but "the lost" seemed to still somehow be almost the entire focus of our lives (after God, of course... ha ha). We saw ourselves as ambassadors for God, bringers of light and truth into our city, our school, our world.
There's more, but that gives a bit of a picture, anyway.
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