1. Over-familiarity:
--so used to reading a passage and glibly finding the meaning. Easy. God meant this, here's the lesson, here's the moral, la-di-dah.
2. Reading Selectively:
How many times have I heard a preacher skim over a bunch of problematic, confusing verses to get to the one palatable verse that he wants to talk about? Or how about whole books of the Bible that are never talked about? Really, we get our working belief system from a very small slice of the Bible.
3. Selective Literalism
--Christian teachers take some passages literally, word for word, and then painstakingly explain why other passages don't literally mean what they seem to be saying.
-- for some passages, preachers/teachers insist that we don't question or challenge one word of the verse- but then those same leaders will "soften" the interpretation of other passages when it seems necessary. For example:
In one passage, Jesus says that the only way a woman could divorce and still be right with God is if her husband is "unfaithful." But how about domestic abuse? And you'd be hard pressed to find a pastor who would counsel a woman to stay with her husband under these circumstances. Clearly the pastor is applying Love and Common Sense to his reading of the scriptures. If we're just to be literal, then "unfaithfulness" is the ONLY justifiable reason for divorce. So pure literalism seems highly problematic as a way of reading the Scriptures...
4. Schooled only to understand, appreciate, revere and obey the Scriptures- not how to ask questions- real questions.
-- I think the practice of asking questions, of being confused by what the Scriptures say, is a healthy practice. The more we open our eyes and acknowledge how difficult and complex the Scriptures can be- this will help us avoid over-familiarity, and over-simplifying of God, and perhaps also over-simplifying other religions as just "wrong" and Christianity as so "right"
So how am I supposed to approach the Scriptures?
I don't know.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Questions
What's so wrong with "just trying to be a good person"?
As Christians, we always slammed that idea down. If someone said, "well, I try to be a good person," we'd pontificate about how they're trying to live life without God, trying to be righteous in their own strength, that they're denying their need for Christ.
But really, if a person says that, and genuinely means it- what a beautiful statement it is. And there is such a greater ring of honesty to this than a Christian's brand of "goodness." With a Christian, when they do something good, it's more than likely not because they just want to; they're doing it because they're a Christian and that's what Christians do, or to gain status in their Christian culture.
As Christians, we always slammed that idea down. If someone said, "well, I try to be a good person," we'd pontificate about how they're trying to live life without God, trying to be righteous in their own strength, that they're denying their need for Christ.
But really, if a person says that, and genuinely means it- what a beautiful statement it is. And there is such a greater ring of honesty to this than a Christian's brand of "goodness." With a Christian, when they do something good, it's more than likely not because they just want to; they're doing it because they're a Christian and that's what Christians do, or to gain status in their Christian culture.
More Problems with Evangelism
Evangelism is not just about undertaking certain efforts to communicate a message to others. It profoundly affects the way we see ourselves, and ourselves in relation to other human beings.
Evangelism teaches the Christian that he is the sole agent of "truth," called by God to put down every other religion or belief, that he is God's "ambassador" on earth.
Is this really a healthy and humble way for a human being to view himself?
I remember those first conversations with A., thinking in utter amazement to myself: This Muslim has more understanding of God in his baby finger than I have in my whole being.
It threw me... at the time I really did think that I was the expert on God because I was the Christian, the messenger of truth. ha ha. get a life.
Evangelism teaches the Christian that he is the sole agent of "truth," called by God to put down every other religion or belief, that he is God's "ambassador" on earth.
Is this really a healthy and humble way for a human being to view himself?
I remember those first conversations with A., thinking in utter amazement to myself: This Muslim has more understanding of God in his baby finger than I have in my whole being.
It threw me... at the time I really did think that I was the expert on God because I was the Christian, the messenger of truth. ha ha. get a life.
Labels vs. Substance
I think it's important in this process of questioning to rigorously separate the label of a thing from its substance.
For example- to separate the label "Christian" or "Christianity" from what I was doing, and what I was being.
It is only clear that I was being Something, living out a certain set of rituals/practices/beliefs- but was that (living and being) really being a Christian?
By separating label from substance, I give myself a new freedom to question with abandon, without fear. ie. perhaps I'm not leaving Christianity- I'm just dismantling that particular framework of beliefs I've practiced for most of my life. Perhaps that wasn't "real" Christianity at all- if such a thing exists.
Can now freely ask: What do I think of what I practiced now that I'm looking at it without the sanctifying label of "Christianity?" Does it look good?
Or ie. questioning the god of my belief system vs. a "real" God, who may or may not be similar to the idea I had in my head.
Separating label from substance allows for subjectivity- "God" and "Christianity" might be Absolute in nature, but our knowledge of them will always be subjective and limited at best.
For example- to separate the label "Christian" or "Christianity" from what I was doing, and what I was being.
It is only clear that I was being Something, living out a certain set of rituals/practices/beliefs- but was that (living and being) really being a Christian?
By separating label from substance, I give myself a new freedom to question with abandon, without fear. ie. perhaps I'm not leaving Christianity- I'm just dismantling that particular framework of beliefs I've practiced for most of my life. Perhaps that wasn't "real" Christianity at all- if such a thing exists.
Can now freely ask: What do I think of what I practiced now that I'm looking at it without the sanctifying label of "Christianity?" Does it look good?
Or ie. questioning the god of my belief system vs. a "real" God, who may or may not be similar to the idea I had in my head.
Separating label from substance allows for subjectivity- "God" and "Christianity" might be Absolute in nature, but our knowledge of them will always be subjective and limited at best.
The label "Christian"
What if I could go through life without claiming this label?
To recognize that there always is some disparity between the label and the substance of a person...
For example- we say "mother" to any woman who has given birth to a child. But how different those women could be...
The same for the label "Christian"- does it really have any meaning, given the almost limitless variety/quality of person that claims it?
What does "Christian" mean?
Even if we give it the most positive meaning- let's say a "Christian" is someone who is "right with God"... do I have to claim that label for myself?
I wish I could just return that label to people with a question, "Who do you say that i am?"
ie. look at the stuff of my life, and tell me what you see.
To recognize that there always is some disparity between the label and the substance of a person...
For example- we say "mother" to any woman who has given birth to a child. But how different those women could be...
The same for the label "Christian"- does it really have any meaning, given the almost limitless variety/quality of person that claims it?
What does "Christian" mean?
Even if we give it the most positive meaning- let's say a "Christian" is someone who is "right with God"... do I have to claim that label for myself?
I wish I could just return that label to people with a question, "Who do you say that i am?"
ie. look at the stuff of my life, and tell me what you see.
A Bad Christian Habit
It is a bad Christian habit to have "answers" for things I couldn't possibly have answers for (as a mere human being). We feel free to have "answers" for all kinds of complex subjects which we know nothing about.
"Frankly, I'm suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue." -Scott Adams
I don't see how/why I should "speak out" at all, or have some concrete standpoint, in complicated issues (ie abortion, homosexuality, evolution, other religions)- because I would immediately set myself up as both "Expert" and "Judge;" two roles I do NOT want to find myself in. Not sure that any human being should actually occupy those roles.
"Frankly, I'm suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue." -Scott Adams
I don't see how/why I should "speak out" at all, or have some concrete standpoint, in complicated issues (ie abortion, homosexuality, evolution, other religions)- because I would immediately set myself up as both "Expert" and "Judge;" two roles I do NOT want to find myself in. Not sure that any human being should actually occupy those roles.
Actively Choosing vs. Just Obeying
"In a sense, the religious person must have no real views of his own and it is presumptuous of him, in fact, to have any. In regard to sex-love affairs, relations, to business, to politics and to virtually everything else in his life, he must try to discover what his god and his clergy would like him to do; and he must primarily do their bidding." -Albert Ellis
This religion kept me as a Note Taker in life- here, read this, study this, learn this, this is what God is like, this is what you should be like, etc. Everything was Absolute; none of this "knowledge" was viewed as Subjective.
I don't want to be a Note Taker. I want- and have already begun- to be a Doer, a Creator, a Progressor; dynamic, alive, thinking, engaging, the agent of my life, the actor, the driver.
"Just put Jesus in the driver's seat of your life." A metaphor commonly used to describe to "unbelievers" what "submission to Christ" means. But is that really what God wants? To be the driver in our lives? I'm not so sure.
If He really intended that every choice should be His, why did he give us wisdom, common sense, prudence, intelligence, the capacity for logic, etc. etc.? Just so we can turn to Him at every juncture and say piously, "What do YOU want me to do?"
He's probably just looking at us, going, "Ummm, hello? Put your hands on the steering wheel and DRIVE for crying out loud!!"
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use." -Gallileo
I think He meant for US to be the actors, the drivers of our lives. He has a different role. And then we will answer for how we conducted our lives; to what end did we exercise our free wills.
This religion kept me as a Note Taker in life- here, read this, study this, learn this, this is what God is like, this is what you should be like, etc. Everything was Absolute; none of this "knowledge" was viewed as Subjective.
I don't want to be a Note Taker. I want- and have already begun- to be a Doer, a Creator, a Progressor; dynamic, alive, thinking, engaging, the agent of my life, the actor, the driver.
"Just put Jesus in the driver's seat of your life." A metaphor commonly used to describe to "unbelievers" what "submission to Christ" means. But is that really what God wants? To be the driver in our lives? I'm not so sure.
If He really intended that every choice should be His, why did he give us wisdom, common sense, prudence, intelligence, the capacity for logic, etc. etc.? Just so we can turn to Him at every juncture and say piously, "What do YOU want me to do?"
He's probably just looking at us, going, "Ummm, hello? Put your hands on the steering wheel and DRIVE for crying out loud!!"
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use." -Gallileo
I think He meant for US to be the actors, the drivers of our lives. He has a different role. And then we will answer for how we conducted our lives; to what end did we exercise our free wills.
Questions
a quote from losingmyreligion.com:
"...I struggled to see any cause/effect relationship between my actions of faith and the actual events unfolding all around me and other believers."
Me too.
Are Christians as a group really any different from anyone else? Within a group of Christians, you have all the kinds of people that you can find anywhere else. Christians have the same struggles as everyone else... some Christians do really well at overcoming those problems, some Christians don't. Same as everyone else.
But our Gospel teaches that those who become Christians are new creations... and are happier, more peaceful, more successful in life than everyone else. This is even held up as evidence of Christ's existence: transformed lives. We can't see Christ, but look at how different Christians are from everybody else.
I think this kind of belief can create dishonesty for people who really buy in to it- ie. I am told so often of the peace and the joy that I have now that I am a Christian, that I can't really see or acknowledge the ways in which I am not peaceful and happy.
"...I struggled to see any cause/effect relationship between my actions of faith and the actual events unfolding all around me and other believers."
Me too.
Are Christians as a group really any different from anyone else? Within a group of Christians, you have all the kinds of people that you can find anywhere else. Christians have the same struggles as everyone else... some Christians do really well at overcoming those problems, some Christians don't. Same as everyone else.
But our Gospel teaches that those who become Christians are new creations... and are happier, more peaceful, more successful in life than everyone else. This is even held up as evidence of Christ's existence: transformed lives. We can't see Christ, but look at how different Christians are from everybody else.
I think this kind of belief can create dishonesty for people who really buy in to it- ie. I am told so often of the peace and the joy that I have now that I am a Christian, that I can't really see or acknowledge the ways in which I am not peaceful and happy.
Faith and Authenticity in King Lear
I wasn't practicing my religion in an aware and authentic way. My life and ways were clogged with all kinds of unexamined practices, rituals and ideas that weren't really mine. I was living in a default setting- not really thinking for myself and actively choosing my beliefs and practices.
I only sought the Right Answer, I wasn't quiet and still and honest enough to hear my own authentic answer- to discover what it is that I actually think about something.
In a way, I was like the older daughters of King Lear- not wanting to give the wrong answer, not wanting to appear disloyal, and so gave an answer that didn't make any sense and was also not a True answer, from my True Self.
The youngest daughter, Cordelia, gave a real, honest answer- and she questioned her sisters' integrity- how could they say they loved the King "wholeheartedly" when they were married? Didn't they love their husbands?
Cordelia's answer was grounded in both Love and Common Sense. It wasn't the right answer- or the safest- but it was true. And brave.
I must start taking responsibility for my beliefs- clearing out the unexamined practices and taking a good hard look at them. Then, actively choosing or discarding them.
I would rather have a chosen, wrong belief and act authentically on it, than to have a soul that's stuffed to the rafters with "right" beliefs that I don't really agree with, own, or act on.
I don't want to have any beliefs that I'm ashamed of.
I only sought the Right Answer, I wasn't quiet and still and honest enough to hear my own authentic answer- to discover what it is that I actually think about something.
In a way, I was like the older daughters of King Lear- not wanting to give the wrong answer, not wanting to appear disloyal, and so gave an answer that didn't make any sense and was also not a True answer, from my True Self.
The youngest daughter, Cordelia, gave a real, honest answer- and she questioned her sisters' integrity- how could they say they loved the King "wholeheartedly" when they were married? Didn't they love their husbands?
Cordelia's answer was grounded in both Love and Common Sense. It wasn't the right answer- or the safest- but it was true. And brave.
I must start taking responsibility for my beliefs- clearing out the unexamined practices and taking a good hard look at them. Then, actively choosing or discarding them.
I would rather have a chosen, wrong belief and act authentically on it, than to have a soul that's stuffed to the rafters with "right" beliefs that I don't really agree with, own, or act on.
I don't want to have any beliefs that I'm ashamed of.
Other Religions
Does God really want the whole world to be Christian?
Then why did he make us so varied?
Whole people groups will begin, live, and die without ever hearing about Christianity; they will practice the ways of their ancestors.
There is too much variety on the earth to think that God intended us to be so homogeneous...
What does he want from me as a Christian? Does he really want me to evangelize everyone?
Everybody who is not a "Christian" is going to hell? Of course not.
What if God thinks that everyone is needed, as they are?
Maybe he views us all the same. No difference.
Or he has different ways of grouping people together- not by race, or country, or religion, but maybe he just sees groups like "the humble" or "the oppressed" or "the rich" or "the proud."
There are a lot of things in the Bible that, I think, seem to point to the idea that being a Christian doesn't guarantee us right standing with God, and not being a Christian doesn't disqualify us either.
Ex. lots of verses talk about how God will judge each person, according to what they do.
Jesus' teachings in the gospels of how the people who were the most religious, or performed the most miraculous signs, will be rejected by God.
Jesus' rejection of the religious establishment of his day.
Lots of examples thru old testament of people outside Judaeism gaining God's approval (Rahab).
But if this is really true, then the Gospel Message as we know it is profoundly undermined. Our Gospel is that Christ died to redeem all from the dire consequences of our sin, and that through Christ, and Christ alone, we can be saved and reconciled to God. If people of other religions (or none) who've heard or haven't heard of Christ, can still go to heaven- doesn't this undermine the very core and vital claims of Christianity as we know it?
But I don't quite believe this Gospel, as I know it now. Perhaps we've oversimplified things. Boiling everything down to those Romans Road verses... the Gospel in a nutshell: Got Jesus? You're in. Muslim? Hindu? Buddhist? You're out.
To be honest, when I think of my father- and mother-in-law (Arab Muslims), I don't feel any anxiety over their eternal salvation, and I don't think that I'm somehow better off than they are.
"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
...and the world will live as one"
"... that they may be one as we are one."
"He's got the whole world in his hands..."
Then why did he make us so varied?
Whole people groups will begin, live, and die without ever hearing about Christianity; they will practice the ways of their ancestors.
There is too much variety on the earth to think that God intended us to be so homogeneous...
What does he want from me as a Christian? Does he really want me to evangelize everyone?
Everybody who is not a "Christian" is going to hell? Of course not.
What if God thinks that everyone is needed, as they are?
Maybe he views us all the same. No difference.
Or he has different ways of grouping people together- not by race, or country, or religion, but maybe he just sees groups like "the humble" or "the oppressed" or "the rich" or "the proud."
There are a lot of things in the Bible that, I think, seem to point to the idea that being a Christian doesn't guarantee us right standing with God, and not being a Christian doesn't disqualify us either.
Ex. lots of verses talk about how God will judge each person, according to what they do.
Jesus' teachings in the gospels of how the people who were the most religious, or performed the most miraculous signs, will be rejected by God.
Jesus' rejection of the religious establishment of his day.
Lots of examples thru old testament of people outside Judaeism gaining God's approval (Rahab).
But if this is really true, then the Gospel Message as we know it is profoundly undermined. Our Gospel is that Christ died to redeem all from the dire consequences of our sin, and that through Christ, and Christ alone, we can be saved and reconciled to God. If people of other religions (or none) who've heard or haven't heard of Christ, can still go to heaven- doesn't this undermine the very core and vital claims of Christianity as we know it?
But I don't quite believe this Gospel, as I know it now. Perhaps we've oversimplified things. Boiling everything down to those Romans Road verses... the Gospel in a nutshell: Got Jesus? You're in. Muslim? Hindu? Buddhist? You're out.
To be honest, when I think of my father- and mother-in-law (Arab Muslims), I don't feel any anxiety over their eternal salvation, and I don't think that I'm somehow better off than they are.
"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
...and the world will live as one"
"... that they may be one as we are one."
"He's got the whole world in his hands..."
My Christian Morality
-- my reason not to sin was God; because God sees and God doesn't like it, and I want to be pleasing to God
-- maybe this is a good thought to have, but this was really my ONLY thought on my morality
if it's only about God and His Rules, this doesn't teach me to consider the consequences of my actions; God alone is the consequence or reward, and removes my power and agency in my own life to affect the world around me
-- this method doesn't teach us to consider our connections to others and ourselves
-- instead, I want to start weighing my own actions and considering their consequences- to do or not do something because of its benefits or potential to damage
-- this method of morality makes me an active Chooser, it engages my mind and demands that I activate my own will to control my actions
-- this process will push me to know myself and what i want in life and what I value about myself and others
-- out of my fear of God, had a tendency to not even try, to not even consider actions that I felt were wrong- now i give myself permission to work through these considerations- to go through an authentic process of testing, considering, to embrace something or turn away from it of my own free will.
To Actively Choose, rather than just Obey
If i can decide for myself not to do something/to do something based on a connection with my true self, my inner core values, this seems to be far more secure and powerful than adhering to a perceived religious value system- and has huge side benefits: know my self/ my values / my weaknesses much better; take time to consider life, people, human nature, my responsibilities, etc.; restores my agency in my own life
-- maybe this is a good thought to have, but this was really my ONLY thought on my morality
if it's only about God and His Rules, this doesn't teach me to consider the consequences of my actions; God alone is the consequence or reward, and removes my power and agency in my own life to affect the world around me
-- this method doesn't teach us to consider our connections to others and ourselves
-- instead, I want to start weighing my own actions and considering their consequences- to do or not do something because of its benefits or potential to damage
-- this method of morality makes me an active Chooser, it engages my mind and demands that I activate my own will to control my actions
-- this process will push me to know myself and what i want in life and what I value about myself and others
-- out of my fear of God, had a tendency to not even try, to not even consider actions that I felt were wrong- now i give myself permission to work through these considerations- to go through an authentic process of testing, considering, to embrace something or turn away from it of my own free will.
To Actively Choose, rather than just Obey
If i can decide for myself not to do something/to do something based on a connection with my true self, my inner core values, this seems to be far more secure and powerful than adhering to a perceived religious value system- and has huge side benefits: know my self/ my values / my weaknesses much better; take time to consider life, people, human nature, my responsibilities, etc.; restores my agency in my own life
Spiritual Avatars
Over-involvement in the Church World can disconnect people from their real lives. They can be successful "spiritual" people, but losers in their real life.
Can sing the songs passionately, attend all the meetings, speak and teach from the Bible, become a respected member of this spiritual community, achieve things there, grow, progress- but in their real life, could be at a stand still. Achieving nothing, in a total rut, having no control over the events in their life, and making no progress in obvious problems.
But their spiritual religion enables them to find satisfaction, when they should be facing up to their real responsibilities and challenges in their life.
So many Christians are unhealthy, unhappy, unproductive, stuck in a rut, their children have huge problems, they have huge problems (ex. in finances, or relationships, or self esteem), but these people are even leaders in the church. We're supposed to view them as spiritual teachers??
This is Dishonest.
Can sing the songs passionately, attend all the meetings, speak and teach from the Bible, become a respected member of this spiritual community, achieve things there, grow, progress- but in their real life, could be at a stand still. Achieving nothing, in a total rut, having no control over the events in their life, and making no progress in obvious problems.
But their spiritual religion enables them to find satisfaction, when they should be facing up to their real responsibilities and challenges in their life.
So many Christians are unhealthy, unhappy, unproductive, stuck in a rut, their children have huge problems, they have huge problems (ex. in finances, or relationships, or self esteem), but these people are even leaders in the church. We're supposed to view them as spiritual teachers??
This is Dishonest.
Evangelism
"Evangelism": the deeply ingrained mantra that in all of my conversations/interactions/relationships with others, I had to have this ulterior motive: bringing them to Christ.
It crippled my ability to connect with other human beings, to just honestly connect.
It crippled my ability to connect with other human beings, to just honestly connect.
Religion vs. Honesty
I think religion can have a tendency to skew our sight, because religion seeks to be a coherent system that explains EVERYTHING. We can't just SEE something- we have to see how it should be or how it must be in order to fit in coherently.
I just want to see the world as it is.
God created. And here is a fossil that points to the evolution of living beings.
Before, I essentially had to ignore that fossil. I don't want my sight to be skewed like this. Not to look at the world and say, "This should be" or "This shouldn't be"
but rather "There it is"
That's not to say that the fossil now cancels God out. Perhaps both can be. Right now, I look and see a fossil that points to the evolution of life, and I see a world too wondrous to just be an accident.
My idea of God doesn't cancel out the fossil; the fossil doesn't cancel God out.
Perhaps there is a higher unifying truth. perhaps not.
I just want to see the world as it is.
God created. And here is a fossil that points to the evolution of living beings.
Before, I essentially had to ignore that fossil. I don't want my sight to be skewed like this. Not to look at the world and say, "This should be" or "This shouldn't be"
but rather "There it is"
That's not to say that the fossil now cancels God out. Perhaps both can be. Right now, I look and see a fossil that points to the evolution of life, and I see a world too wondrous to just be an accident.
My idea of God doesn't cancel out the fossil; the fossil doesn't cancel God out.
Perhaps there is a higher unifying truth. perhaps not.
Decluttering Mandate
Decluttering experts have methods to help people get rid of excess and keep only what's valuable. I've heard that one way to do this is to empty everything out of your closet, put it in boxes, tape them up, and put them in the garage. Then wait. A month, maybe two. See if you miss any of it, or can even remember what was in the boxes.
I'm going to do this as best I can with my belief system. To stop practicing the Christianity I knew. Not throwing it out, not coming to new conclusions, just putting it all in the garage for a while. Taking a break.
A break from reading the Bible, studying, praying, quiet times, all the daily/weekly practices, and also trying to track down and articulate all the ways of thinking that go with my belief system and get them into the garage as well.
Then see what happens in the quiet.
Will I miss any of it? What will emerge as valuable? What will be rendered redundant?
How long will I do this?
I need a while.
Maybe a year.
I'm going to do this as best I can with my belief system. To stop practicing the Christianity I knew. Not throwing it out, not coming to new conclusions, just putting it all in the garage for a while. Taking a break.
A break from reading the Bible, studying, praying, quiet times, all the daily/weekly practices, and also trying to track down and articulate all the ways of thinking that go with my belief system and get them into the garage as well.
Then see what happens in the quiet.
Will I miss any of it? What will emerge as valuable? What will be rendered redundant?
How long will I do this?
I need a while.
Maybe a year.
New Thoughts
Have lived my whole life as a Christian Being- in this other world, seeing myself as different from others.
I just want to be a human being. same as the next person, no different, nothing more, equal. Living life along with everyone else here in the world, alive at this moment. Connected. No distance between us, no gaps, walls, boundaries, hierarchies.
I just want to be a human being. same as the next person, no different, nothing more, equal. Living life along with everyone else here in the world, alive at this moment. Connected. No distance between us, no gaps, walls, boundaries, hierarchies.
Questions
What if this (the temporal world) is all there is?
How much do I really know about God?
How much can we know?
Was I ever very near God?
Was God really IN that Christianity? Was that God's home? Or does He live somewhere else?
What does Christianity (as a belief system) offer that I can't get somewhere else?
How much do I really know about God?
How much can we know?
Was I ever very near God?
Was God really IN that Christianity? Was that God's home? Or does He live somewhere else?
What does Christianity (as a belief system) offer that I can't get somewhere else?
Absolutes vs. Subjectivity
Have always approached God and my faith as Absolute.
Was in an absolute environment: ie. THIS is what God is like- I just need to learn it, absorb it, take notes, get in line with it.
God is who He is- He doesn't change; I must change and become more like Him.
Now I'm thinking, God may indeed be "absolute" in His character- but our understanding of God, our ideas of him are not absolute.
I hadn't separated God from our ideas of God. I treated the teaching of my church leaders as somehow absolute; their ideas of God as being one and the same with God.
That's why it's so important to question.
Same with my faith- there is no one way to practice faith, or Christianity
I need to start thinking as though my faith is mine to shape-- what kind of faith do I want to practice? I should think this way, because when I do, I ask much better and more probing questions- and I get to know my real self, my own mind
So from here on in- there are no absolutes, no sacred cows in how I will practice faith, nothing I HAVE TO do; everything can be questioned
I don't feel that I am actually questioning God himself, but rather, my idea of God.
Setting the subjectivity of our knowledge at the forefront of my mind
Was in an absolute environment: ie. THIS is what God is like- I just need to learn it, absorb it, take notes, get in line with it.
God is who He is- He doesn't change; I must change and become more like Him.
Now I'm thinking, God may indeed be "absolute" in His character- but our understanding of God, our ideas of him are not absolute.
I hadn't separated God from our ideas of God. I treated the teaching of my church leaders as somehow absolute; their ideas of God as being one and the same with God.
That's why it's so important to question.
Same with my faith- there is no one way to practice faith, or Christianity
I need to start thinking as though my faith is mine to shape-- what kind of faith do I want to practice? I should think this way, because when I do, I ask much better and more probing questions- and I get to know my real self, my own mind
So from here on in- there are no absolutes, no sacred cows in how I will practice faith, nothing I HAVE TO do; everything can be questioned
I don't feel that I am actually questioning God himself, but rather, my idea of God.
Setting the subjectivity of our knowledge at the forefront of my mind
The Questions Begin...
I was giving my son a bath one night two weeks ago
and, for the first time,
wondered:
What if this is all there is?
no eternity, no heaven, no going on forever and ever,
no "everything is just going to be okay because God is there."
just my son and I.
Looking at my beautiful boy,
alone together in this shabby bathroom
late at night,
the bubbles cracking in the silence.
looking at him.
two tiny human beings,
alone in the great wide world,
alone in this moment.
Fragile, temporal, vulnerable.
Tiny.
It was exhilarating.
I felt Alive- maybe for the first time.
like a lifelong anesthetic was wearing off my mind-
A Great Dullness was fading away.
I had been living in a world without questions.
I need to start asking, wondering and imagining.
No question is off limits, and all answers are viable options.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine...
and, for the first time,
wondered:
What if this is all there is?
no eternity, no heaven, no going on forever and ever,
no "everything is just going to be okay because God is there."
just my son and I.
Looking at my beautiful boy,
alone together in this shabby bathroom
late at night,
the bubbles cracking in the silence.
looking at him.
two tiny human beings,
alone in the great wide world,
alone in this moment.
Fragile, temporal, vulnerable.
Tiny.
It was exhilarating.
I felt Alive- maybe for the first time.
like a lifelong anesthetic was wearing off my mind-
A Great Dullness was fading away.
I had been living in a world without questions.
I need to start asking, wondering and imagining.
No question is off limits, and all answers are viable options.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine...
A Different Kind of Relationship
was usually given goals in church that were very cerebral, intangible and unmeasurable ie "know God" or "be totally devoted to God" -- so I would pursue these goals through study and prayer, but there were no real markers to chart my progress in "achieving" these goals
all of this went on in the pursuit or working out of a "relationship" with God; pursuing intangible, unmeasurable goals through given, invented church activities that had nothing to do with my real life/responsibilities/obligations/opportunities)
Instead, how about devoted to God = be an excellent mother, because that's what's happening in your real life
my faith/passion was directed into a quasi-world of given church activities (evangelize, read Bible everyday, prophesy, study, take notes, grasp new "important" spiritual concepts, prayer/pursuing God, hearing from God)
instead, my faith could be directed into living my real life wellInstead of a "Relationship With God" meaning all of these personal exchanges with God (personal growth in understanding God, hearing from God, talking to God, having emotional, sensational experiences of God, wanting to "know" God more, becoming more passionate/committed to God, etc. - see previous post)
--- instead of a Relationship With God meaning all these intangible, unmeasurable "exchanges" with God, this inner conversation
---what if a Relationship With God just meant: Doing The Right Thing In Your Real Life
I like that idea. So the "stuff" of that relationship is not "spiritual" and in my head, it is concrete actions, carried out in the real world
Like volunteering in my community. Treating my husband well, even when I've had a bad day. Bending my focus, creativity and talents towards being a superb mother to my children. Having my lonely neighbor over for a cup of tea. Sewing up some cloth diapers and sending them to that orphanage in Haiti.
This could be the substance of my Relationship With God: real actions, carried out in the real world. This could be my spiritual act of worship, not all the inner dialogues, spiritual "goals" and feelings of commitment, not emotional singing of songs, or vigorous note taking of preacher's sermons.
Then, there would be real events when I want to tell the story of my faith.
Then, my faith would have some currency in the real world.
all of this went on in the pursuit or working out of a "relationship" with God; pursuing intangible, unmeasurable goals through given, invented church activities that had nothing to do with my real life/responsibilities/obligations/opportunities)
Instead, how about devoted to God = be an excellent mother, because that's what's happening in your real life
my faith/passion was directed into a quasi-world of given church activities (evangelize, read Bible everyday, prophesy, study, take notes, grasp new "important" spiritual concepts, prayer/pursuing God, hearing from God)
instead, my faith could be directed into living my real life wellInstead of a "Relationship With God" meaning all of these personal exchanges with God (personal growth in understanding God, hearing from God, talking to God, having emotional, sensational experiences of God, wanting to "know" God more, becoming more passionate/committed to God, etc. - see previous post)
--- instead of a Relationship With God meaning all these intangible, unmeasurable "exchanges" with God, this inner conversation
---what if a Relationship With God just meant: Doing The Right Thing In Your Real Life
I like that idea. So the "stuff" of that relationship is not "spiritual" and in my head, it is concrete actions, carried out in the real world
Like volunteering in my community. Treating my husband well, even when I've had a bad day. Bending my focus, creativity and talents towards being a superb mother to my children. Having my lonely neighbor over for a cup of tea. Sewing up some cloth diapers and sending them to that orphanage in Haiti.
This could be the substance of my Relationship With God: real actions, carried out in the real world. This could be my spiritual act of worship, not all the inner dialogues, spiritual "goals" and feelings of commitment, not emotional singing of songs, or vigorous note taking of preacher's sermons.
Then, there would be real events when I want to tell the story of my faith.
Then, my faith would have some currency in the real world.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Flakiness of my Christianity
My personal "walk" with God was filled with a lot of thinking, dreaming, studying, and "experiences" in worship, but not much else.
Would have daily (or not so daily) "quiet times" in the morning; read Bible/devotional, pray, try to set myself up for a good, "godly" day
Was exhorted by church towards all kinds of "spiritual" goals (ie to "grow in God" or to become more "at home in His Presence" or to become more "prophetic")
Took these goals seriously; tried to work towards them, but all of this "progress" was in the intangible realm, unmeasurable, and unrecognizable in the real world
All of it was, essentially, in my head
Was highly dependent on having "emotional" experiences/exchanges with God, as a litmus for my overall spiritual well being
Always felt that my Relationship With God was paramount; always working on it, always feeling like it needed to progress with more passion, devotion, commitment, etc.
But what exactly was my Relationship With God? What was the "stuff" of my relationship? It was all these "spiritual" intangibles, exchanges between God and I, unmeasurable, vague spiritual goals, "hearing" from God, talking to Him, "growing" in God
Didn't realize this until a couple months ago when I tried to write my "testimony" and realized there were almost no "real" events in my whole life's "faith story-" just a lot of "pursuing God" in my own little world inside my head- "discovering" things about God/growing in God/coming to know Him better- but only 2 or 3 real events. in my whole life.
I was living a Second Life- in this invented spiritual realm- with invented, imagined goals/challenges/growth, a life story that didn't really exist in the real world- like I had a spiritual avatar or something... "Jane the Christian" with her own story arc of goals, growth, challenges, roles, callings, ministry
Would have daily (or not so daily) "quiet times" in the morning; read Bible/devotional, pray, try to set myself up for a good, "godly" day
Was exhorted by church towards all kinds of "spiritual" goals (ie to "grow in God" or to become more "at home in His Presence" or to become more "prophetic")
Took these goals seriously; tried to work towards them, but all of this "progress" was in the intangible realm, unmeasurable, and unrecognizable in the real world
All of it was, essentially, in my head
Was highly dependent on having "emotional" experiences/exchanges with God, as a litmus for my overall spiritual well being
Always felt that my Relationship With God was paramount; always working on it, always feeling like it needed to progress with more passion, devotion, commitment, etc.
But what exactly was my Relationship With God? What was the "stuff" of my relationship? It was all these "spiritual" intangibles, exchanges between God and I, unmeasurable, vague spiritual goals, "hearing" from God, talking to Him, "growing" in God
Didn't realize this until a couple months ago when I tried to write my "testimony" and realized there were almost no "real" events in my whole life's "faith story-" just a lot of "pursuing God" in my own little world inside my head- "discovering" things about God/growing in God/coming to know Him better- but only 2 or 3 real events. in my whole life.
I was living a Second Life- in this invented spiritual realm- with invented, imagined goals/challenges/growth, a life story that didn't really exist in the real world- like I had a spiritual avatar or something... "Jane the Christian" with her own story arc of goals, growth, challenges, roles, callings, ministry
My Church History
I was raised in a "non-denominational" church; a broad label, but I will try to describe a few of the hallmark characteristics of my particular stream of Christianity:
1. Charismatic worship: we sang mostly contemporary worship songs, with a "modern" band, could take up to 45min. The worship time was mostly unstructured, allowing for "spontaneous" moving in the Holy Spirit (ie. anyone from the congregation could pray out, or read a scripture, or bring a "word" from God). Lots of clapping, hands raised, exclamations, emotional silences, etc.
2. Strong focus on "Gifts of the Holy Spirit": a very strong emphasis on speaking in tongues, prophecy, words of knowledge, healing. They would teach on it, practice it, encourage everyone to do this more. This was emphasized much more than a lot of the more concrete, traditional acts of the church, such as helping the poor.
3. Strong focus on teaching/doctrine: lots of teaching, retreats, seminars, etc. where we would be taught a great amount on the particular doctrinal points of this stream of churches. Lots of note taking. Lots of new concepts always to be learning and trying to apply. Kingdom of God, victorious living, the Holy Spirit: these were favorite topics.
4. Overall emphasis on "passion" for God: meetings were loud and passionate, teaching was loud and passionate, congregation expected to be loud and passionate... visitors were often uncomfortable/overwhelmed with the level of emotion, volume and intensity in the room. We were always being pushed towards being really exceptional for God; top-tier, sold-out Christians.
5. Evangelism: We didn't actually do much organized evangelism, but "the lost" seemed to still somehow be almost the entire focus of our lives (after God, of course... ha ha). We saw ourselves as ambassadors for God, bringers of light and truth into our city, our school, our world.
There's more, but that gives a bit of a picture, anyway.
1. Charismatic worship: we sang mostly contemporary worship songs, with a "modern" band, could take up to 45min. The worship time was mostly unstructured, allowing for "spontaneous" moving in the Holy Spirit (ie. anyone from the congregation could pray out, or read a scripture, or bring a "word" from God). Lots of clapping, hands raised, exclamations, emotional silences, etc.
2. Strong focus on "Gifts of the Holy Spirit": a very strong emphasis on speaking in tongues, prophecy, words of knowledge, healing. They would teach on it, practice it, encourage everyone to do this more. This was emphasized much more than a lot of the more concrete, traditional acts of the church, such as helping the poor.
3. Strong focus on teaching/doctrine: lots of teaching, retreats, seminars, etc. where we would be taught a great amount on the particular doctrinal points of this stream of churches. Lots of note taking. Lots of new concepts always to be learning and trying to apply. Kingdom of God, victorious living, the Holy Spirit: these were favorite topics.
4. Overall emphasis on "passion" for God: meetings were loud and passionate, teaching was loud and passionate, congregation expected to be loud and passionate... visitors were often uncomfortable/overwhelmed with the level of emotion, volume and intensity in the room. We were always being pushed towards being really exceptional for God; top-tier, sold-out Christians.
5. Evangelism: We didn't actually do much organized evangelism, but "the lost" seemed to still somehow be almost the entire focus of our lives (after God, of course... ha ha). We saw ourselves as ambassadors for God, bringers of light and truth into our city, our school, our world.
There's more, but that gives a bit of a picture, anyway.
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